***** gyn alert (scroll down if you don't want to read about icky female procedures) *****

So... had my first colposcopy and biopsy today. Wanted to post about it because reading other folks' experiences on their blogs really helped me know what I was getting into. I should say here that I premedicated with 1000 mgs of ibuprofen, plus a half a lorazepam and an immodium. Was glad for all three before it was over.

Starts off just like an annual exam, only with the speculum cranked extra wide. They stretch away the cervical membrane (feels weird but not awful). Then they swab your cervix with vinegar (the squamous cells are full of lipids instead of water, so when all the proper cells begin osmosing water out, the squamous cells are sitting there, still full, going, "Hey! Where did everybody go?") That allows for them to show up better in contrast. The swab stings a little, but not too bad. And fortunately, the binocular-y machine that enlarges the view is NOT like the x-ray machine the dentist uses for your bite wings; it never jostles or even touches the speculum. At this point, my doctor readjusted the speculum to ensure she was seeing everything and added a green filter to contrast the blood vessels better, and voila! Evil cells appeared. And were instantly removed. The biopsy was... unpleasant. Fortunately, I didn't see the scalpel. The hardest part for me was bracing myself for it without clenching up my muscles. It sounds stupid, but think about it: when you're nervous, you clench everything. Which is particularly bad in a situation like this because it moves your insides and the doctor has to refocus the lens. Pain level was... maybe akin to an accidental cut with a kitchen knife? It's really painful for a second or two and then is over. Then my doctor took two deep scrapes to make sure the uterus wasn't up to anything -- think pap smear with a test-tube brush. And that's it. A little silver nitrate to stop the bleeding at the site of the biopsy, and I was out of the office. I'm still cramping now, 12 hours later, and apparently should expect to bleed and cramp on and off for the next few days. And that's my cervix in a nutshell... err... specimen jar. Hope the description helps somebody else who just got those three dreaded words: abnormal pap smear.

***** end gyn alert *****

Mom came to meet me at the doctor's and took me out to IHOP for pancakes afterward. It's so nice to be local again. And now Disney's curled up against my leg, and I think I'm off to sleep.