Some wisdom, thanks to Seth from The O.C.:

On the importance of creating a lasting, loving relationships with members of the opposite sex: "I do enjoy the crazy honeys."

On the disturbing effects of Freudian psychology on the minds of young males: "Mom, don't say 'underpants.' "

On promoting close relationships between members of one's extended step-family: "Is it twisted to find my potential grandma really hot?"

On the importance of listening to what women say, even if the women in question aren't exactly talking to you: "Eavesdropping, Ryan. I hear like a wolf."

On cultivating a sweet, devoted relationship with Mom and Dad: "They're parents. They work for us."

On studying the ways of alien civilizations before traveling far from home: "Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya."

On the difficulties of balancing personal integrity with business dealings in a free market economy: "Do you have any idea how pathetic it is to sit there and listen to you babble about mergers and acquisitions while some guy just stares at your breasts?"

On the importance of being a gentleman: "Chivalry's dead, sugar."

On being an honest, forthright witness and cooperating with the police: "I'll handle Johnny Law."

On kissing up to the cook: "Wow, you're a really good barbecutionist."

On entering a sweaty Tijuana nightclub filled with partying American teens: "I love authentic Mexican culture."

On recognizing the most important elements for building solid romantic relationships: "It's fate. It's destiny. We both like burritos."

On greeting a new member of the family: "Dude, you're a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt."

On how to fit in best with the common folk and project an Everyman image: "So, I shouldn't wear my ascot and talk about Grey Poupon?"

On developing a good personal style and mastering the rudiments of proper grooming: "Who's winning now? Me or my hair?"



--Chris Falco